Peter Attia· MD
if disregulated emotions is what comes out of the work then I keep referring to them as guards my guards my protective Parts they've got more reason than ever to do their job right you just introduced me to vulnerability and it was overwhelming right so when working with the client regardless of the setting it's befriending vulnerability and to introduce vulnerability as overwhelming right that is counterproductive right right and these these protective selves you mentioned back to the connection and human connection is vulnerable right it's it's not something that's meant to be controlled there's unknowns right there's another person um we don't know we really don't know what they're going to do what they're going to say how we're going to be received right that's that's vulnerable and if you look at it within look through the lens of these detective Parts my guards like they think the irony is the way the means by which they do their job typically brings me the thing that they most fear all right so another example okay let's say that a client this is one that that that works sometimes um let's say it's a client like one of their things is they've got some trauma they've got some insecurities around betrayals right and they're in a relationship and one day their partner comes home and tells them that their ex is back working at the hospital where they work at okay now who wants to hear that nobody wants to hear that right but it's going to be especially bad news for somebody with a betrayal file right it's going to be very vulnerable right so here introduce introduce vulnerability into the equation this is where the disconnect self shows up I have to do something to take care of that vulnerability right so I have a I I have this avoid him part I used to call him the too cool for school part right and he was born out of hearing a lot of what kind of man's he going to be what kind of man's he going to be so in other words a man this part of me doesn't believe that a man says something like you know I'm scared I'm vulnerable so this part of me says what do you you know like you want to hear about all the skeletons in my closet I don't care that your ex is back at work five years ago right but when that partner is on their 7 to S shifts it's hard for me to be connected Jeff when all that stuff starts going on through insecurities and betrayals and things of that nature so I need something right something to step in and take me away and that's where that disconnection comes in for some folks it would be drinking or whatnot then the spirit of the the example that I'm giv and trying to give the irony is again the problem is not having the parts it's how they do their job and the relationship between those parts right because eventually what happens is is that as I do the thing with um let's say the let's say the behavior is drinking right so I'm drinking I'm drinking I'm drinking and eventually like I get to a point to where um not thinking that much about what might be going on at that hospital and then I get to a point to where my buddy leaves we were watching the ball game I was able to be connected Jeff in front of him but now I'm really starting to get up in my head about what might be going on at the hospital where my partner's at yeah so when the phone finally Rings okay at 11:30 or 12 or whatever it's not connected Jeff that answers the phone right I'm using myself in this madeup example right but it's going to be a disconnected version of Jeff right you having fun why the night's so young maybe you guys will have time to go at it again right all this woundedness starts coming out and So eventually what happens is in this example if this partner's got any healthy going on I'm going to come downstairs one day and there's going to be a note that says I wasn't created to save you I can't do this you need some help and now have I ever been any sadder you know than I am because that it's a triangle of vulnerability sad shame and fear right and that's what all these guarded parts of self they're there to protect us against that but you see the means by which the protected disconnected self did its work actually long played out brought me the thing that I feared the most right so now here I am sitting at this table alone realizing what's happened right and that's that's that's that's how that happened so back to disconnection connection what do connected Jeff says I know this is my stuff and I've got work to do it's a reminder that I've got work to do but I got to tell you I got to be honest with me it bothers me what you just told me about this person being back working with you it bothers me um but that's a very vulnerable thing to say of course you can only really say that if your partner is equally vulnerable right because if your partner is not vulnerable that that message isn't going to land and that's going to be triggering to that person and I guess all of this is a long-winded way of saying you you you have to have two healthy people to make a relationship work you can't just have one absolutely ABS that might not be welcomed right that emotional vulnerable self might not be welcomed and that's information that's necessary right um necessary information about my partner because in the example I'm not asking remember it does it bothers me in that example it Bo I'm not asking you to do anything I'm not asking you to quit your job or anything like that but I just need you to know my truth and I've got work to do around this but it does bother me it scares me to death see and and you know that I it scares me